Number one in the hood G!
Public Service Announcement: OK here we go. I was gonna do the whole Monday morning quarterback thing. But, you know what? Everybody’s doing it. Besides, I’m on this TV kick thing now and I just gotta get it out of my system. Ok? Is that all right with you? Don’t worry, you’ll get what you need down in the Public at Large section. What’s that? You need a taste now? OK OK. All you need to know. Pats win. Pats win big. Tom very Bradylike. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Chad Jackson shows why Neion Deion was expendable. By November 26, the Patriots should be at least tied with the best record in the NFL. By then, they will have done what they always do, whoop up on the Colts. By then, they will have laid the hammer down to America’s new team, da Bears. By then, all order should be restored in the world. All right? Happy now? Can I do what I was doing? Thank you. Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I give you, Aqua Teen Hunger Force:
I’ve been patient, haven’t I? I’ve been watching the repeats. I’ve been watching the repeats for two fricken years here! I haven’t complained, have I? I’ve been watching Matser Shake. Shake Zula. The mic rula. The old schoola. He’s a milkshake you know. A mean spirited, abusive, egotistical, sadistic little milkshake. And, he’s the best damn character on TV. Damn right, he’s better than yours.
- I’ve been watching as he torments the dickens out of poor little Meatwad. Ah Meatwad. That adorable shape shifting ball of meat. He may make the money, see. He may get the honeys, G. But, I can’t say he doesn’t have it coming.
- I’ve been watching as the gay innuendoes fly all around Frylock. “Frylock and I’m on top; rock you like a cop.” Wearing his cute little sailors cap.
- I’ve been watching as Carl just gets one punch in the balls after another. Carl, your typical Jersey degenerate. This one quote sums him up in a nutshell: “Yeah! I saw those guys (Foreigner) in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams; that was a kick ass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ‘Urgent‘. Every time I hear ‘Urgent’ on the radio I think of that girl’s boobs and covered in vomit.”
Yes, I’ve seen every episode of all four seasons without respite for two years now. But nothing, nothing I tell you, prepared me for this. The new episode! Finally, season five is here. Irreverence at its best. Dickesode. Yup, that’s what the new one is called. Dickesode.
A laugh riot. Kudos. Disturbing? Yes. But not as disturbing as the episode where Carl has a broomstick so far up his ass there’s a bump on his head. Not as disturbing as the whole Gimp scene in Pulp Fiction. But still, disturbing. Must have said dick about a hundred times. Degree in dicknology. That’s rich. Rich I tell you. Talking dumplings. Shake has a Costanza moment. Those aren’t walnuts!
I don’t want to give too much away, so set your TiVo. Get ready. Season five is here. We will now continue with our usual sports programming. Thank you for your patience.
Public Knowledge:
1. Say good bye to my little friend. Nelson de la Rosa. World’s shortest actor. 2 foot 4 in his stockinged little feet. And Pedro’s own personal little rabbit’s foot, died. So sad. I’ll fondly remember him being tossed about the locker room after our World Series. Maybe he died of a broken heart. When Pedro abandoned Boston, he also abandoned Nelson.
2. How bout the Gambler? Sure looked like he was pitching with an ace up his sleeve. Or poo. Some mystery brown gunk anyway. The gunk was there in the first inning. It was. I saw it on TV. And what an inning. Nasty junk. Buggs Bunny style. I was surprised he didn’t throw a pitch and beat the ball to home plate and catch it himself. Cardinals hitters apparently noticed. The gunk was gone in the second inning.
3. Shawne Lights Out Merriman. Bagged for juice use. Quite a specimen. Were you surprised? How many 6-4, 272-lb linebackers do you know have his size, strength and quickness? What’s going on down there in Southern Cali? First Terrence Kiel was arrested by the DEA for shipping codeine-based cough syrup to Texas.
4. Have the Jets finally found their running game? Chompers’ and Florida State’s own Leon Washington. By the way, did you see the Seminoles new black jerseys? Gross. My theory? Any team who sports black uni’s who didn’t originally do so, is in trouble. Anyway, Washington runs for 129 yards and 2 TDs. One TD a Sports Center, George Costanza, Tippy Toe Special down the sidelines. Matt Chatham: “The kid is explosive. A difference maker.” If he is for real, so are the Jets. Was that two Costanza references in one blog?
5. Chicks dig the longball. Matt Bryant. Tampa Bay. 62 yarder. Game winner. Third all time. Who’s second? Same as the first. Herman Hermit’s style. Tom Dempsey and John Elam tied at 63 yards. Which guy has half a foot? Tom Dempsey.
6. Question. Who is the only NFL team right now to have two shut outs? The Jaguars. Another question. Going into yesterday, which NFL hadn’t gained over 60 yards on the ground. Houston. Last question. Who won? Wali Triple Lundy runs roughshod over the stingy Jacksonville D. Texans win! Texans win! Texans win!
7. Chicks Dig the Longball II. Electric Boogaloo. Lawernce Tynes. Kansas City kicker. 48-yard field goal wiped out by a penalty. Comes right back, LL Cool J style, to nail a 53-yarder with 6 seconds left. Gives the Chiefs a 30-27 victory over the San Diego Pharmacists. Herm got lucky. Tom Petty style.
8. Nothing like playing the Dolphins to cure what ails you. Green Bay was last in pass defense going into Miami yesterday. Pick Joey Heisman 3 times and win the ballgame. I love it!
9. If you can’t play the Dolphins, get a finger stuck up your butt. Chicks Dig the Longball III. Morten Anderson, who finished his annual prostate exam right before the game, kicked a 36 yard field goal in OT. In regulation things got kina kooky. Mike Koenen kicks a 56 yard field goal. No good! WAIT. Penatly. Five yards and another chance. This time they bring in Mr. Babaar. Two B’s just not right next to each other. Got the whole fist up there doc? Moon river. 52 yarder. Comes up short. OT baby. Falcons beat Steelers in a good old fashioned donnybrook. I just wanted to say donnybrook. Does that make me a bad person?
10. Who dey? Who dey? Who dey think gonna beat them Bengals. I thought the Panthers. I was wrrrrr….Fonzie style. Chad Johnson. Circus catch. Ballgame.
11. Bible Boys Brunell and Gibbs lose their third straight. Bye bye playoffs. Colts remain on the undefeated bus. Next up: Denver.
12. He could go all the way! Chester Taylor. Vikings. Who has him in fantasy? 95 yard touchdown. Longest in Vikings history. Longer than Chuck Foreman. Longer than Herschel Walker. Ends Seahawks 12 game home winning streak. My favorite home winning streak? 1985-86 Boston Celtics. We had seasons in those days. Went to a game. Saw a win. I loved this game. Fan-tastic. Just saw you know, Jeff Malone scored 36 points and the Anacostia Bullets beat the Celts to end the streak. Bird was very Bradylike. 21 points and 12 boards. Side note: Jeff Malone is the nephew of Vivian Malone Jones. She was one of the first two African Americans to enroll at Bama in 1963. Made famous when Alabama Governor George Wallace tried to block them from entering, triggering a showdown with federal troops. Roll tide roll. From Chester Taylor to Governor Wallace. Pretty good, huh?
13. Raiders win! Raiders win! Raiders win! Guess who’s out of his suicide pool. Serves me right. I rode that horse too long. But you should never change a horse mid-stream. Its just good horse sense. Aw, horsefeathers. Groucho style. Moss comes alive. Paris Hilton’s boyfriend nearly invisible.
14. Broncos D getting it done. Hold their 5th straight foe to single digits. I know, it’s the Browns. Their defense was on the field for what seemed like the entire second half of the game. What was WillieMcGinest thinking? Stupid.
15. Monday Night tonight. Tony Kornheiser handcuffed by ESPN. Where’s that irreverence? Where’s that shtick? Blandorama. Sunday night is the new Monday night.
16. Those are my breasts! In case you missed it Sir Paul McCartney accused of preventing his estranged from breastfeeding their child. Saying, you guessed it, Those are my breasts! You with me leather, style.
17. Boston College. Moving back up the ladder. Up to 17 now. Think they miss the Big East? The Big East boasts 3 undefeateds. The West Virginia Mountaineers. The Rutgers Scarlet Knights. The Louisville Cardinals. The Public will be at The Rutgers/Louisville game.
18. They don’t call him Starbury for nothing. Steph has been shilling a TV talk show. I hope he gets little cuz Bassy on there and gets the real deal.
19. Heroes tonight. Save the cheerleader. Save the world!
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!